I’m so excited to feature a guest blog, (especially for my male readers) from a good friend Jeremy Holden. I am blessed to be able to bounce many ideas off of him and his wife Trina.
Why do we have so many mature, godly, eligible guys and girls who are still single?
I believe many Christian young people (and maybe even you) have been deceived and have fallen victim to one of Hollywood’s most pervasive lies. Now before you completely tune out, hear me out on this. I can hear you saying “I know Hollywood lies and I wouldn’t fall for it” but that’s the thing about being deceived, if you knew you were deceived – the lie didn’t work.
As a Christian, it’s easy to see that the “friends with benefits” and the “one night stand” relationships we see depicted in the movies and on tv are wrong. I think the devil is using a better disguised and therefore more dangerous lie. The result of this lie is that we have almost an entire generation of young people who are not getting married and therefore not able to raise up the next godly generation.
So what’s the lie I think you’re believing?
You believe that if you wait long enough, you’ll experience ‘true love‘. You know – when you meet someone, you look at each other and suddenly the lights dim, music starts to play, a mirror ball appears throwing dancing lights around the room and you just know, “This is the one!” I call this the ‘Prince Charming sees Cinderella at the Ball’ (PCCB) lie.
Now if you’re a guy reading this I’m going to get in your face a bit.
I think you’re afraid.
Afraid of what?
Afraid of saying “no“. Let me explain.
You know several – in fact, probably dozens – of eligible, mature, attractive, young ladies. If you were to seek a relationship with one of them you would be saying “no” to all the others. And this is where the Hollywood lie comes in – you think if you commit yourself to a relationship, you are giving up on the PCCB scenario. You want to keep your options open. You’re afraid to take that step and commit to someone you haven’t fallen head over heels for incase your true Cinderella shows up.
I’m going to steal picture from a friend here. This triangle shows the three types of love.
You are expecting to have the eros – that emotional, passionate, kind of love – overcome you and then have the commitment and friendship follow. God has designed things just the opposite. When you develop a friendship, within the confines of commitment, your emotions will respond in kind.
Let me share from my own experience. I had been involved in a courtship prior to the relationship with my wife. Because of what I had experienced in that courtship, I was hesitant to want to enter another relationship. My wife also came into our relationship with a painful dating experience and was also cautious. That cautiousness on both our parts caused us to be very slow to allow emotion of any kind in our relationship. It wasn’t until I made the decision to commit to the relationship that there was any emotion involved. It was definitely a strange feeling to decide, apart from any emotion, to enter a dating relationship.
My wife and I already had a friendship and when the commitment of courtship was added, the emotions were not too far behind. And let me tell you, they wasted no time at all in catching up. God has designed men and women to be attracted to each other. Just adding some commitment to your friendship, along with the increased time spent together pursuing your relationship, and the God given attraction will develop.
That brings me to the next fear you single guys reading this are facing.
So how do you choose?
You need to be active. The process of finding a mate in the Bible always involves searching. The only example of God dropping a mate on someone is Adam in the garden (and it cost him an arm and a leg). But even then Adam had been looking – and “there was not found a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:20).
As you look at the young ladies around you, chances are there is one who comes to the forefront of your mind (I know this because I’m a guy too and I’ve been there). Talk to some close friends, parents, or pastor. Also, pray about it, because “a prudent wife is from the LORD.” (Prov. 19:14) Don’t exclude someone because you didn‘t get the PCCB effect when you met.
Make a choice. Take a risk. Just because you start courting someone (or dating, or whatever you want to call it) doesn’t mean you’re going to say “I do.” You may decide you really don’t get along all that well and go back to being good friends. You will have learned and hopefully grown in the process. It will hurt a little (or a lot) but God never promised a life without pain. He may want to use pain to shape you into the person He wants you (or the other person) to be.
But on the other hand, the Grand Stage Manager may have the music cued, the mirror ball in place and the lighting tech at the ready, and He is just waiting to have you ask a certain someone to dance.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord.
Jeremy Holden is now 5 years into happily-ever-after with his wife, Trina, and they have three adorable children. He pops in with occasional words of wisdom on his wife’s blog, All That Is Good. There you can read an account of their courtship, called, ‘How to Woo a Wife‘.