How many times will I stare at these white walls and fight back the tears, trying to pull myself back together before the Dr comes in? I already know what they are going to tell me. MRSA. Again. I’m loosing track of how many times I’ve sat here. I guess if I wanted a count the medical bills stacking up could tell me. Or maybe the purple scars covering my legs.
Natural doctors, medical doctors, they are all at their wits end trying to help me. No one knows why I keep getting sick. You name it, I’ve probably tried it. Diets, essential oils, Antibiotics, the list goes on.
I want to give up, but I can’t. I guess I’m learning why the Lord made me so stubborn. I don’t question His goodness, but my heart questions His plan as my mind whispers “why?”. I know He can heal me. I’m more sure of that then I am of my own name. So why doesn’t He? It’s in anguish I ask, wanting to understand, not anger. He is to faithful to me to be angry with Him. His grace abounds even in this. Even here. Again.
In my mind, He would get the most glory from healing me. But what if a surrendered heart brings Him more glory? The past year and half of this journey has brought more wholeness to my soul then I could have imagined. I’ve tasted, learned and leaned on grace. I’ve come to know and understand suffering and what Peter means when He says
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (1 Peter 1:6, 7 ESV)
This too brings glory to God – the trials that test our faith, not just being lifted out of them.
Looking back I can understand some of the “why” in what the Lord has allowed me to go through – the internal growth and deeper relationship with Him. It has been worth it. So will it continue to be? I want it to be some how. I want this journey to be over. But if what has gone by was used, won’t also what is to come? Even this? Again.
I don’t fully know the “why” yet. I may not ever. But that doesn’t change what I do know – that His heart towards me to good. Faithful. Healing. He will heal me, can I leave the ‘when’ up to Him? This place between the now and not yet – this is where grace resides. Father remind me of what is true!
I’m so thankful that above all He is good. Not tame or predictable, but good. And in that goodness I rest. God is love. All of Him is love. He is love even here, even in this. Again.
Grace clinging to what we DO know and understand in the midst of all or the “why’s?” and the “I don’t knows”. That is how we keep going. In what we do know is where the strength lies to get back up again. No matter how many times we reach “again”, His strength and grace extend just past that!
One of the ways we learn that God is faithful is to come to Him again. And again. His very nature is faithfulness. He is “again”. What a glorious day it will be when healing comes! Oh what hope for that! But now, even in this I rejoice because here I can taste His faithfulness. And what I know of Him is cemented into my soul.
Do you have “again’s” in your life? Aren’t you thankful that only in the “again’s” do we understand His faithfulness!