Just because you won’t date him, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t valiDATE him, honoring him in your heart and with your speech. <—- Click to Tweet. I’d be a millionaire if I got $1 for every time I’ve heard a girl say “there are just no good guys around here”. I used to say it myself until the day I saw the destruction it caused. Defeat, anger, and pain flashed across my friend’s face, as I watched him react to the knife this woman’s careless, lamenting words had driven through him.
He was a good guy, a godly guy, he just wasn’t her guy, nor did he want to be. At almost 27 and not dating, I’m aware of the dating issues in our culture caused by both men and women not stepping up. At the end of the day though, it doesn’t matter who is or isn’t stepping up, or if we feel there are no good “guys or gals” left around. Christ calls us to love and respect each other – in EVERY kind of relationship and interaction.
We love, respect, honor, and are gentle with each other because we love Jesus and He loves us. That’s it. Honor, love and respect have little to do with other person’s merit. The way we treat each other should be based on the Kingdom of God, not on how we feel about the other person.
There are good guys out there. I’m honored to know quite a few of them. When a guy is told that there are “no good guys” left, it can crush their desire to become more of a godly man. It dismisses who they are now, and the potential they have in Christ.*
Ladies, even if we never say “there are no good guys left” out loud, thinking it WILL effect the way we relate to the guys around us. Thinking there are no good guys left might seem like a natural response to hurt we have received, or to the lack of dating activity in our lives, but quite frankly, it’s sin.
This sin is something the Lord has convicted me so strongly of in the past few years. It’s sin, because it does not encourage or build up our brothers in Christ, and in our minds, it puts us as above the guys around us. We would be terribly hurt if our worthiness as a women or wife potential was constantly belittled to others. Scripture is clear about how we should treat each other:
“encourage one another and build one another up…” 1 Thess. 5:11
Thinking there are no good guys left, keeps us seeing guys for what they are not, rather than who they are. They are redeemed sinners, loved, heirs of Christ – WITH US! Critiquing guys in general because we do not have one sets us in a place of judgment. To judge another man’s servant is not for us to do. If we know at least one Christian* guy, than there are good guys left.
I realize that when we as women, say that there “are no good guys left” what we are really trying to say is that we do not know anyone right now whom we would consider dating or marrying. Well that’s ok, because there are different stokes for different folks. There are a lot of good men, and we will most likely only marry one. So let’s honor all of them? Because the rest are other people’s future husbands, brothers, sons, and fathers. And most importantly, lets honor and validate them in our thoughts and speech because that is how Jesus does it. All of our relationships and interactions should be about one thing – The Kingdom of God.
For practical tips on how to validate the guys around us, continue reading
10 Practical tips to validate the guys we are in community with:
- Validate in Christ. To validate is to affirm, confirm, and give force to. Imagine giving force and affirmation to a guys walk with Christ? – I.e. encourage!
- Pray for the guys you do know. Check out some suggestions here: http://kindredgrace.com/how-i-pray-for-my-brothers/
- Treat them, speak of them, honor them and respect them the way Jesus does first, and then secondly the way you would want another girl treating your man. Philippians 2:3
- We all sin. It’s a lot easier to give grace when we are aware of the grace we have received. We don’t have it all together – remember they don’t as well. Point out what they are doing right. And leave it there, don’t then go into what they are doing wrong. Rom 3:23
- Verbally encourage them (do this properly, or in a group, or anonymously to avoid leading them on). And encourage them sincerely. They can sense a fake or flirtatious spirit a mile away. If you can’t say it with pure motive – don’t say it at all. This is about the Kingdom of God, not about you manipulating a situation. http://kindredgrace.com/guy-girl-friendships-untangled
- Let your life inspire them to know Jesus more, not discourage them from wanting to be more like Him. Matt 5:17
- If you do have to turn down a date, do it with honor and respect. Acknowledge that they took a risk and asked you out. Build them up, even with a “no”. Read more here:
- Call out their godly masculinity by your godly femininity: https://notunredeemed.com/2011/03/07/call-it-out/
- Sisters, if you have brothers – PLEASE do all of the above, with the exception of #7 J.
10. If a guy were talking about you, would you be one of the “good girls” left around?
“It’s someone ye’ll never have heard of. Her name on earth was Sarah Smith…
She seems to be . . . well, a person of particular importance?
aye. She is one of the great ones. Ye have heard that fame in this country and fame on earth are two quiet different things.
…And who are all these young men and women on each side?
They are her sons and daughters
She must have had a very large family, Sir.
Every young man or boy that met her became her son – even if it was only the boy that brought the meat to her back door. Every girl that met her was her daughter . . . her motherhood was of a different kind. Those on whom it fell went back to their natural parents loving them more. Few men looked on her without becoming, in a certain fashion, her lovers. But it was the kind of love that made them not less true, but truer, to their own wives.
– A woman in heaven, as described in C.S. Lewis’s The Great Divorce.
Note, I’m not excusing guys for letting the criticism of women hinder their growth in the Lord – that’s a different issue – I’m just address the stumbling block we sometimes put in front of them. Nor am I saying that only Christian guys are good guys, but as a Christian, we are called to only marry someone sharing our belief’s.